The phone on the table rings briefly—a normal notification, nothing special. But your partner’s gaze falls on the screen faster than the owner’s hand. “Who is it?” sounds casual, almost joking. A moment later, he reaches closer to read the message. Formally, it’s “just curiosity,” “a trifle,” “we don’t hide anything from each other.” In everyday life, such scenes merge with the routine so quickly that they become almost invisible.That is why digital control in relationships is rarely referred to as violence. It leaves no bruises, no screams, no obvious boundaries. It is a slow compression of space—when technologies created for convenience and security become tools for invading personal life.
This form of control is particularly noticeable for women. It often starts with a “habit of checking” and ends with full access to correspondence, demands to share location, or even covert surveillance. And although almost all of this happens silently, it is precisely this silence that makes the problem so invisible and so dangerous.
How small gestures become violence
In fact, it is easier to define digital control through actions rather than theory. It is not about “toxic patterns” or complex terms. It is about what happens when your phone ceases to be yours and becomes just another access point. When the camera, messenger, or geolocation become channels of information through which someone gains excessive influence over your life.
The paradox is that control creates convenient legends: “I’m so worried about you,” “We trust each other,” “I just want to be there for you.” In such a guise, any intrusion looks like a gesture of closeness. And refusal looks like an insult or proof that you are hiding something. Boundaries are blurred not because someone says “I have the right,” but because they make you feel guilty for their existence.
Typical situations seem more mundane than we would like to admit:
● when your partner insists on shared passwords “for honesty” or “for convenience” and eventually starts logging into your accounts without warning;
● when they take your phone “just to answer a call” — and at the same time scroll through your private messages;
● when the requirement to share your location becomes an obligation rather than a request, and any disconnection turns into an interrogation;
● when social networks turn into a field of signal control: “who liked you,” “who did you reply to,” “why did you subscribe to someone new.”
This is how digital control grows — not through one big action, but through numerous small ones. Its power lies in the silence that allows it to grow in the most mundane moments. And that is why it is so difficult to notice until it becomes part of everyday life.
“Why aren’t you answering? You’re online, aren’t you?”
In modern relationships, technology becomes the third participant—invisible but omnipresent. It organizes our routes, reminds us of things to do, and stores our memories. But at some point, these same tools can start working against one of the parties, turning into a means of control that does not require raising your voice or being physically present. All it takes is a few taps on the screen.
The most obvious example is geolocation tracking. Features such as Find My, Google locations, and geolocation sharing in messengers were created for convenience: to find a lost phone or quickly meet up in the city. But in some relationships, they become a kind of movement map, where every step of the partner is marked with a dot. In this case, control works without words: a person knows that they are being watched, even if no one reminds them of it.
Another invisible risk area is shared accounts and cloud storage. Many couples have shared access to photos or documents, and this seems convenient until one of the partners starts looking at things that were not intended for them: draft notes, personal files, saved copies of correspondence, automatic backups of the device. Technology works like a long trail here—it stores everything that a person did not plan to show anyone and makes this data available invisibly and constantly.
A separate reality is the activity functions in messengers. “Online,” “was recently active,” “message read” — these markers easily turn into micro-control that shapes expectations. Your partner can follow the rhythm of your digital life like a schedule and draw conclusions from every delay. No passwords or apps are needed here—the logic of social networks alone is enough to make even the smallest traces of online presence visible.
The most invasive level is hidden surveillance programs, or stalkerware. They are disguised as “battery optimizers” or “calendars” and can be installed in a few minutes if the phone is left unattended. Such programs can secretly transmit data: screenshots, call history, and location. And although the very fact of their existence is frightening, it is important to remember that the use of such tools is often illegal and violates the basic right to privacy. But in the context of digital control, they are sometimes used precisely because they work invisibly.
There are also less obvious sources of surveillance—everyday gadgets. Smartwatches can record running routes or heart rates, surveillance cameras can see who enters the house, and smart speakers regularly record sound fragments to “activate” themselves. In a healthy environment, these are just tools. But in relationships where there is a desire to control, they become additional channels of access to personal life.
All of these technologies are designed for convenience, so the problem begins not with their functions, but with their motives. Even the most innocent gadget can become an instrument of pressure if someone decides that they have the right to know more about another person than they are willing to reveal.
Why this is a form of TFGBV: the gender dimension
Digital control does not exist in isolation—it is often closely intertwined with what happens off-screen. At home, on the street, in shared living spaces: small restrictions, jealous outbursts, demands to report every move—all of this is a continuation of the same control that begins in messengers or through apps. Online surveillance and offline behavior create a single stream of pressure, where technology becomes just an additional channel of influence.
The gender dimension of this phenomenon is important. Research and the experience of crisis centers show that women are much more likely to be the target of digital control. This is partly due to established social roles and expectations that women are supposedly more responsible for maintaining “harmony” in relationships, and are more vulnerable to psychological pressure and increased attention to behavior that is considered ‘suspicious’ or “indecent.” Digital control often follows the logic of old patterns of violence: isolation, constant surveillance, coercion to transparency—only in a modern form, through gadgets.
It has real consequences: it increases fear, fatigue, self-doubt, and isolation. Women who are targeted often cannot immediately understand what is happening because controlling actions appear to be “care” or “love.” But in the broader system of technology-facilitated gender-based violence (TFGBV), they become yet another tool of power and subjugation—quiet but extremely effective.
So this problem is not just about phones or apps. It is about how old mechanisms of violence are taking on new forms in the modern world. And this dimension is particularly noticeable where digital life is closely intertwined with personal, domestic, and emotional relationships.
As Evelina Chornobai, a lawyer with the non-governmental organization La Strada-Ukraine, points out, an analysis of the calls received by the National Hotline for the Prevention of Domestic Violence, Human Trafficking, and Gender Discrimination suggests that such methods of control are not reported very often. However, this does not mean that the phenomenon is not widespread.
“Psychological domestic violence—which is what we can talk about in this situation—is often characterized by certain insults, mockery, and humiliation, and can go hand in hand with other types of domestic violence, such as physical violence. And when victims come to us, they talk first and foremost about the “most urgent” manifestations of violence. After all, when you start giving the victim algorithms for action, you often hear, “I can’t call anyone because all my calls are monitored.” Or, “No screenshot will help because all correspondence is deleted, and I don’t have time to screenshot it.” That is, these are moments when the victim cannot seek help or collect evidence of the violence due to this control,” the expert explained.
Sometimes, especially at the beginning of a relationship, such behavior can be mistakenly perceived as a sign of love, because there is a deep-rooted stereotype in society that jealousy is a clear sign of “love.” However, as Evelina emphasizes, this is not a healthy relationship, because there can be no control or such obvious interference in the private life of a partner.
“Sometimes we also receive reports from victims who say that they cannot receive calls or make calls because the abuser has set up call forwarding to their phone number and all calls are automatically forwarded to them,” Chornobai recalled.
What can be done about this right now: safe and legal steps
The first step to solving this problem is realizing that your boundaries matter. It is important to be able to talk about digital boundaries with your partner without shouting or accusations, but clearly and directly. You can start with simple phrases like, “I want to keep some things to myself,” or “It’s important to me that my phone stays private.” These conversations aren’t about conflict, but about your own comfort and self-respect.
It’s also important to notice friends who may be under digital control. Just being there and paying attention can be a lifeline: ask how they are doing, if they feel pressure online, share your own experiences, remind them that personal devices and messages are private territory. Sometimes it’s enough for someone to say, “You don’t have to put up with this.”
There are also those who can provide professional support: psychologists and counselors, as well as services specializing in digital security and protection against violence. They will help assess the situation, explain rights and possible actions, and suggest safe ways to limit control without risk to oneself.
In addition to talking, it is worth starting with specific, legal actions: check your privacy settings, set up two-factor authentication, be careful about who you give access to your accounts, do not install questionable applications, and keep an eye on shared accounts and gadget settings. Each small step puts control back in your hands, without breaking the law or compromising your own safety.
When it comes to seeking help, the lawyer says that the algorithm is completely standard, as it is for any other manifestations of domestic violence. It is as follows:
1) Identify the problem and be prepared to defend yourself and your rights.
2) Gathering evidence and developing a plan to escape the situation of domestic violence.
3) Contacting law enforcement agencies and/or specialized support services.
In the second stage, it is important to find alternative means of communication that the abuser will not know about and will not be able to control.
“There is always a way out of any situation. For example, if your calls are being monitored and you are unable to call the police in an emergency, special apps with a hidden interface and emergency police call buttons can help without the need to make a call. You can find out about such an app by contacting the National Hotline for the Prevention of Domestic Violence, Human Trafficking, and Gender Discrimination,” she advised.
It is important to understand and remember that asking to look at your partner’s phone to see who they are texting or calling is a form of control. Relationships should be based on mutual trust.
Author: Yana Radchenko